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feelings rant entry #1

 

Workaholism

I've been thinking about this because I spent a whole week away from school.

 

In all this time, all I did was watch stuff on my computer and eat and sleep and get high, not finding the strength to seek out my school assignments I've been missing and slowly watching my room turn into a kind of cluttered mess with food and art projects piling up (I did some sewing too, i guess that was good, also i finished Rick and Morty season 5, might have some thoughts about that in the future.).

It's not that I actually live such a fast-paced life usually, either, but I spend so much time being busy and not having to wonder what I actually want to do. I can just drift from task to task until I get home. I put aside my artistic intuition and drive for an eternal monologue telling myself to ''feel like a robot, be productive at school, don't start crying in class because everything is so overwhelming'' (and then i do cry in class and i leave school for the rest of the day).

And being home like this, without work or school, it feels like i'm at a rest-stop and everything is so excruciatingly slow, and it hurts because i'm the one responsible for my own entertainment, and it made me realize i have no idea what i want from life, as in 'i don't know what movie i want to watch today' turned into 'i don't know if i want to continue school or what i should even put effort into anymore'.

And now i'm kinda terrified because i start school again after tomorrow and i have to deal with what i missed and i'm scared it will make me miss even more school from fucking breaking down all the time in class and sniffling silently until the bell rings and i can get my stuff and leave. Like i'm scared this staying home will trigger me ultimately dropping out of school so close to the end.

2021/11/26

 sorry if this is a bit heavy for a first real post but whatever. Also art will be coming soon if i get my shit together this week, if i don't there's a chance this blog will just turn into a home for art rants and sad rants i've composed in bursts of 20 minutes.

 

TL;DR  i'm hanging by a thread and the routine of school and work every single day of the week was the only thing keeping me from admitting to myself i might actually be depressed and worse off than i thought mentally.

 

2021/11/26

aaaa

16 Mirrors by Alex G

(because that's all i want to listen to making this post)

 

- Dori