Potential vs kinetic relationships
I’ve realized something. To be friends with someone requires being in the present moment, because a friendship is just people that like each other’s company enough to agree to hang out over and over again.

I think that there’s a mental force (probly anxiety) which causes me to always anticipate the ‘next move’ as a defense mechanism that, when applied to relationships with others, means that I almost always wonder when meeting a new person my age if we would be compatible to date. It’s a very painful experience sometimes and results in many unwanted thoughts that keep me from developing a lot of good friendships or generally real connection to people and makes me more nervous.

The thing is, when this happens, often I find no peace in starting a relationship with the person I was thinking about because my feelings for them were rooted in compulsively and anxiously checking all possible scenarios in my head but focusing in one direction and getting stuck with that version of events in my mind. So then it means I date someone I might barely know simply off the feeling that I know them in my mind. It’s not that i don’t feel actual love for the person, but it’s always an anxious love, and if that anxious love grows, it’s into an anxious relationship.

So this kind of relationship forms from future expectations from the start, because the whole relationship and feelings associated with it are created by a mirage. I think what drives me to live in a fantasy theory world is related to anxiety and feeling impatient to see where a relationship will go. But this entire mental rot process is destroyed by the power of most friendship, because they don’t feel like an incremental game to the mind of a mentally ill person like me.

 Because romantic relationship conventionally have so many bases to go through, there’s a sense of like, progress and doing thing. I think what I need to improve mentally is more relationships with people where things are good, and we just hang out. There are no further bases to cover. It’s people that know each other well hanging out together. That’s ideal. I love that I have people like that in my life now, and I love learning how to change the ways in which my brain decides to fuck me over.